Are Vampires Sexy?

Why am I totally in the dark about this stuff? I guess when it comes to the underworld you can't be too choosy. Mummies--too much clothes. Goblins--unsexy name and childlike disposition. Trolls--too short, can't wear heels when going out with him (or her if it's a Trollbian).

Okay. Titanic - bad movie. But a poor Irishman, or the late 20th century imagining of one? They fight AND dance, that's ladybait! Just ask anyone who's hot stuff at the honky tonk, that plus mechanical bull and you're a country-fried dream.





The girls on NPR were saying, "the lines [from the new Vampire movie] are cheesy but you don't think of them as cheesy." Oh yeah, they're into him. You know girls dig a guy when everything he says is pure gold hilarity, romance, and insight. Same vice versa, but guys don't try listening to girls much no matter how hot they are. Sexual attraction for guys also has a sort of white noise effect, which includes women's voices, cars honking, and authority figures that can arrest, fire, or ground you.

Too bad for teen boys. To be like a poor Irishman, just take some dancing lessons and learn not to wince when you land a punch and it hurts your poor knuckles. Vampire though? Well, they're not real. And they look like goths.

Australia - Are you prepared for the let down?

Perhaps it's the season, perhaps the gloomy outlook on America's future (and the world's too, but we're supposed to win), but it's times like this that I look forward to a big, epic cinema production whose ultimate goal is to come close to Gone With the Wind in scope. You may not like Gone, but you'd be hard pressed to come up with something that can topple it.

Enter Australia. Please, please be an epic movie. The movie posters were promising two hours of conquering and conquered, armies and technological changes, and some love and loss. But these previews seem to be all love and loss between the two main characters! No, I want this to be like a James Michener book (he wrote Tales of the South Pacific), whose big-scope works knew no bounds.

Hawaii - about Hawaii
The Source - about the history of the Jewish People
The Covenant - about the history of South Africa
Poland - History of Poland
Texas - History of Texas
The Drifters - Sweeping novel about hippies in Europe

Most of his books were bestsellers, some for a really long time. James Michener makes other authors look like wieners. Some author will sit on TV saying, "oh, you know, I was always curious about the Cold War." Well, James Michener would probably start a book on the cold war in 10400 B.C. when the Bering Strait had an ice bridge on it.

What is this season's Apocalypto? I want it to start at the Big Bang and explain it to me in narrative form!

People, US, watch what you pay for

The NYT ran a story today (thank you contributor Jess) about Angelina Jolie putting editorial requirements on the exclusive interview after the Twins were born. Essentially, they had to focus on the good Angelina and not, say, the Hollywood Angelina (whatever that is).

While they got a big payout, I can't help but think that People could get smeared a bit. The magazines are 'fun reading,' that is, Bill Gates and Sec. Gen. of the UN Ban Ki Moon don't grab it while waiting for a flight. (I do, if someone left it on a bench). But, it's not as much fun if they're going to double stuff their fluff with personality-saving stories. I want to hear about crazy stuff and the expensive purses, not charity.

I, Wellsmus, citizen of the world, pointed back to the Bono + Angelina + Jeffrey Sachs "End of Poverty" ideas when they came out in 2004-5. After throwing money (rather carelessly) at problems for decades, their solution was to throw a huge amount of money at the same problems, but this time it would work because the amounts would just be enormous.

Not only can we call Angelina to the floor on something like this, but I can't get up on her shoe collection, or amounts of platinum vs. gold. Maybe she doesn't wear jewelry at all.

Most critically, I need this information to feed friends of mine who filter out the interesting stuff and tell it to me, which has been a rich part of my life.

I need dirt, I want it all over her! C'mon magazines! Gimme what I really want.

Oh, and as far as a dirty actor who hasn't done as well with his image, Mr. Tom Cruise, at least his movies this year have been or will be more interesting.